Meditation Kicks Ass

sit. stay. heal.
Day Eighty-Two
In the Living Room
With Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Cherrywood, ATX
When The Student is Ready, The Teacher Will Appear
I found myself in the midst of
a very weird
extremely uncomfortable 
lunch 
the other day
It had been orchestrated by
a friend/teacher of mine
who had concerns
when she heard that I
am going to start
teaching meditation
she wanted me to meet
a friend of hers
a meditation expert so to speak
the widow
of an extremely famous
writer from India
The short version of what happened
from my perspective:
AMBUSH
The pair of them went off
on how dangerous my path was
and the widow said
her husband would not approve
A big concern they had
was that I do not have a 
Teacher 
I think they meant a
Guru
This I protested
I have real issues with the whole
Guru Thing
Not to say that there aren’t
lots of people
way further along the path 
than me
way, way, way further
and not to say 
I don’t have tons to learn
But when I think of the whole
Guru Model
my mind wanders toward abuses
often found
in systems of 
hierarchy and patriarchy
After that lunch
I sent a letter to my teacher/friend 
to try to explain myself a little better
I told her I think that
We Are All Students
and, too,
We Are All Teachers
As I thought more about teachers
my mind turned to
my son
Henry
When I announced I was pregnant
people freaked out
I was young
irresponsible
made about $100 a week
had no insurance
and was a big party girl 
Some people wanted me to
have an abortion
at least one of his grandparents
wanted me to surrender him for adoption
and all this
really fucking pissed me off
more than I was already pissed off 
in my life
which was a lot
Henry was born at home
during an ice storm in St. Louis
he got stuck 
nearly died 
and once I did get him out
he was not breathing
Not Breathing
but you have to breathe
breathing is key
The midwife kept slapping his feet
BREATHE DAMMIT
she said
over and over
He only grunted in response
Big Red
heeding the command of 
the screaming
panicked midwife
called 911
not understanding 
how dire the situation was
they sent the wrong dudes
dudes not skilled enough
to handle the situation
a new little
baby
wavering between 
life and death
so those dudes called 
more skilled dudes
and suddenly my bedroom was crawling
with paramedics
and a couple of cops who
popped in to see what was up
with all the ambulances 
out front
Some combination of
these people
saved Henry’s life
got him BREATHING
then he was whisked away
and I was not allowed to go
because my vitals were not stable
In the ambulance
some kind paramedic
aiming for a sense of normalcy
in the chaos of 
Henry’s condition
and the icy roads
and no one pulling over to 
let them through
said to Big Red
Your first baby?
and Big Red said 
Yeah
and dude says
Congratulations
I think of that guy
every time I see
an ambulance
I wish I knew him
I wish I could find him 
and thank him
for that seemingly small 
but utterly profound
kindness
Henry has always been
my
Greatest Teacher
the lessons have not all been easy
of course not
But there was so much love
and hilarity
in his childhood
There was the inspiration
to quit drinking
to be a better person and parent
When he was around nine
I made him start going to yoga with me
When he was around fourteen
I watched him during one soccer match
when some fucking bastard
playing dirty
smashed into him
and I wanted to yell
as a joke (sort of)
Honey! Use Your Yoga Breathing
but I didn’t want to embarrass him
so after the game I was
amused and delighted when he said
I tried to use my yoga breathing out there, Mom
My son
born not breathing
came to know
the power
conscious breathing
how happy this made me
Henry grew up
moved away
and 
goddammit 
I miss him
Every Single Day
What a Teacher
he was to me
In a few days
we reunite
I’m flying to New York
to meet him
and then together
we’re flying to London
and we will spend ten glorious days
walking around
looking looking looking
like we have in so many other places 
Imagining our reunion
of laying eyes on him
after so much time apart
I have a vivid memory 
of picking him up from Montessori
one day back when he was two
and new to school
He loved school
and he loved me
and I think he was still trying to
organize these two things
reconcile them
So I showed up
and he saw me
and he just
burst out crying
overwhelmed with emotion
As I get ready to go see
My Teacher
I imagine the sight of him
is going to just
take my breath away
I will not be able to breathe
Perhaps I will grunt
as he did
that first scary day
I’m sure I’ll cry
and then we will
breathe together
independently but at 
the same time
and my world
which has been so wobbly
for so many months
will start spinning right
Thank You Henry
I love you so much
I cannot wait to
Embarrass the shit out of you
with my
Boundless Love and Gratitude

 

Day Eighty-Two

In the Living Room

With Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

Cherrywood, ATX

When The Student is Ready, The Teacher Will Appear

I found myself in the midst of

a very weird

extremely uncomfortable 

lunch 

the other day

It had been orchestrated by

a friend/teacher of mine

who had concerns

when she heard that I

am going to start

teaching meditation

she wanted me to meet

a friend of hers

a meditation expert so to speak

the widow

of an extremely famous

writer from India

The short version of what happened

from my perspective:

AMBUSH

The pair of them went off

on how dangerous my path was

and the widow said

her husband would not approve

A big concern they had

was that I do not have a 

Teacher 

I think they meant a

Guru

This I protested

I have real issues with the whole

Guru Thing

Not to say that there aren’t

lots of people

way further along the path 

than me

way, way, way further

and not to say 

I don’t have tons to learn

But when I think of the whole

Guru Model

my mind wanders toward abuses

often found

in systems of 

hierarchy and patriarchy

After that lunch

I sent a letter to my teacher/friend

to try to explain myself a little better

I told her I think that

We Are All Students

and, too,

We Are All Teachers

As I thought more about teachers

my mind turned to

my son

Henry

When I announced I was pregnant

people freaked out

I was young

irresponsible

made about $100 a week

had no insurance

and was a big party girl 

Some people wanted me to

have an abortion

at least one of his grandparents

wanted me to surrender him for adoption

and all this

really fucking pissed me off

more than I was already pissed off 

in my life

which was a lot

Henry was born at home

during an ice storm in St. Louis

he got stuck

nearly died

and once I did get him out

he was not breathing

Not Breathing

but you have to breathe

breathing is key

The midwife kept slapping his feet

BREATHE DAMMIT

she said

over and over

He only grunted in response

Big Red

heeding the command of

the screaming

panicked midwife

called 911

not understanding

how dire the situation was

they sent the wrong dudes

dudes not skilled enough

to handle the situation

a new little

baby

wavering between

life and death

so those dudes called 

more skilled dudes

and suddenly my bedroom was crawling

with paramedics

and a couple of cops who

popped in to see what was up

with all the ambulances 

out front

Some combination of

these people

saved Henry’s life

got him BREATHING

then he was whisked away

and I was not allowed to go

because my vitals were not stable

In the ambulance

some kind paramedic

aiming for a sense of normalcy

in the chaos of

Henry’s condition

and the icy roads

and no one pulling over to 

let them through

said to Big Red

Your first baby?

and Big Red said 

Yeah

and dude says

Congratulations

I think of that guy

every time I see

an ambulance

I wish I knew him

I wish I could find him

and thank him

for that seemingly small

but utterly profound

kindness

Henry has always been

my

Greatest Teacher

the lessons have not all been easy

of course not

But there was so much love

and hilarity

in his childhood

There was the inspiration

to quit drinking

to be a better person and parent

When he was around nine

I made him start going to yoga with me

When he was around fourteen

I watched him during one soccer match

when some fucking bastard

playing dirty

smashed into him

and I wanted to yell

as a joke (sort of)

Honey! Use Your Yoga Breathing

but I didn’t want to embarrass him

so after the game I was

amused and delighted when he said

I tried to use my yoga breathing out there, Mom

My son

born not breathing

came to know

the power

conscious breathing

how happy this made me

Henry grew up

moved away

and

goddammit 

I miss him

Every Single Day

What a Teacher

he was to me

In a few days

we reunite

I’m flying to New York

to meet him

and then together

we’re flying to London

and we will spend ten glorious days

walking around

looking looking looking

like we have in so many other places

Imagining our reunion

of laying eyes on him

after so much time apart

I have a vivid memory

of picking him up from Montessori

one day back when he was two

and new to school

He loved school

and he loved me

and I think he was still trying to

organize these two things

reconcile them

So I showed up

and he saw me

and he just

burst out crying

overwhelmed with emotion

As I get ready to go see

My Teacher

I imagine the sight of him

is going to just

take my breath away

I will not be able to breathe

Perhaps I will grunt

as he did

that first scary day

I’m sure I’ll cry

and then we will

breathe together

independently but at 

the same time

and my world

which has been so wobbly

for so many months

will start spinning right

Thank You Henry

I love you so much

I cannot wait to

Embarrass the shit out of you

with my

Boundless Love and Gratitude

 

  1. meditationkicksass posted this