Meditation Kicks Ass

sit. stay. heal.
Day Three Hundred and Thirty Eight
Nativity of Mary, Blessed Virgin Catholic Church
High Hill, Hill Country, TX
For an awful lot of people
today is
GOOD FRIDAY
When it comes to 
CATHOLICISM 
and
ME
it’s very much a
You Can Run But You Can’t Hide
situation
Out of respect for my friends
who still belong to
and still love
The Church
and also because I have
calmed down quite a bit
thanks to all the
MEDITATION
I am going to keep my 
CHURCH BASHING
to a minimum here
I will say that some of the
SUFFERING
that plagued me for decades
is
I am convinced
proof that if you tell a little child
YOU ARE GOING TO HELL
every day 
for eighteen years
there will be some
SERIOUS FALLOUT
and when you say
GOD IS PUNISHING YOU
every time the child
experiences something
NEGATIVE
well let’s just say
also proof that
we can really fuck up children
Funny thing is
until I ran away from the church
at the age of nineteen
I hurled myself into
HER ARMS
on a regular basis
I so wanted some
BOLT OF LIGHTNING
I wanted my
HEART TO COMBUST
I wanted
JESUS TO SPEAK TO ME DIRECTLY
I was the youngest lector 
at our church
I prayed
HARD
I went to a couple of
GOOD FRIDAY SERVICES
which do not fall under the
HOLY DAY OF OBLIGATION
umbrella requiring church attendance
and I sat my ass down
for three solid hours
and thought all about
JESUS ON THE CROSS
One year when I did this
I was around eleven years old
and a man came in and
he sat beside me
it was
MY FATHER
I don’t mean that symbolically
like as in the specter of
a white bearded god dude
settled in beside me
I mean the man to whom
I WAS BORN
the one who
yelled at me all the time
I think that 
besides at his viewing
this was the only time
in my entire life
I was in a room with my father
that he wasn’t 
GLARING OR YELLING
I know now we both wanted for
GOD TO LOVE US
and maybe even 
LOVE US BETTER THAN ALL THE OTHERS
I think that probably
I wanted my dad
to love me more than my other eight siblings
or at least just
LOVE ME
but that was not in his repertoire
People who’ve not had
similar childhood experiences
sometimes try to correct me
and they’ll say
OH HE LOVED YOU
these days
thanks to 
MEDITATION
I can think or say a response
that is not
SHUT THE FUCK UP
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT
so score one for me and
MEDITATION
I have other issues with 
The Church
beyond all the associations
with my father
who used religion
as a weapon
There’s the sexism
There’s my cousin the priest
who groped me
when I was a teenager
and then he 
LAUGHED 
like it was all a game
The thing is
you might think with
all these experiences
GOOD FRIDAY
would be totally
FRAUGHT 
for me
and I do admit that
as I type this
I can feel my blood pressure
going up a little
but as soon as I’m done
I’m going to 
go for a walk
and I am going to
appreciate all the wildflowers
and then I am going to
MEDITATE
and actually I am going to have a
GREAT FRIDAY
because whatever
residual discomfort
I have from my bad religious experiences
they are now greatly tempered by
TIME
and
BREATHING
and
also this:
For all the super bad shit
that went down in my mind
courtesy of religion
it wasn’t 
ALL BAD
I received a very strong
and very repeated message
about the importance of
SERVING OTHERS
I was able to separate out the
WHEAT
of that notion
from the
CHAFF
of the bullshit
and I really do believe
nothing beats
SERVING OTHERS
(although I hasten to add
I’m also huge fan of
SELF-CARE)
and so
Today I
Breathe In
and I
Breathe Out
and I am grateful
to my 
MEDITATION PRACTICE
for helping me to
calm down about all the
religious stuff
that used to make steam
shoot out of every orifice 
whenever I thought about it
and I wish my
Christian friends a 
HAPPY EASTER
and I say
Thank You Jesus
for setting a cool example
of how to be nice to
EVERYBODY

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Eight

Nativity of Mary, Blessed Virgin Catholic Church

High Hill, Hill Country, TX

For an awful lot of people

today is

GOOD FRIDAY

When it comes to 

CATHOLICISM 

and

ME

it’s very much a

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide

situation

Out of respect for my friends

who still belong to

and still love

The Church

and also because I have

calmed down quite a bit

thanks to all the

MEDITATION

I am going to keep my 

CHURCH BASHING

to a minimum here

I will say that some of the

SUFFERING

that plagued me for decades

is

I am convinced

proof that if you tell a little child

YOU ARE GOING TO HELL

every day 

for eighteen years

there will be some

SERIOUS FALLOUT

and when you say

GOD IS PUNISHING YOU

every time the child

experiences something

NEGATIVE

well let’s just say

also proof that

we can really fuck up children

Funny thing is

until I ran away from the church

at the age of nineteen

I hurled myself into

HER ARMS

on a regular basis

I so wanted some

BOLT OF LIGHTNING

I wanted my

HEART TO COMBUST

I wanted

JESUS TO SPEAK TO ME DIRECTLY

I was the youngest lector 

at our church

I prayed

HARD

I went to a couple of

GOOD FRIDAY SERVICES

which do not fall under the

HOLY DAY OF OBLIGATION

umbrella requiring church attendance

and I sat my ass down

for three solid hours

and thought all about

JESUS ON THE CROSS

One year when I did this

I was around eleven years old

and a man came in and

he sat beside me

it was

MY FATHER

I don’t mean that symbolically

like as in the specter of

a white bearded god dude

settled in beside me

I mean the man to whom

I WAS BORN

the one who

yelled at me all the time

I think that 

besides at his viewing

this was the only time

in my entire life

I was in a room with my father

that he wasn’t 

GLARING OR YELLING

I know now we both wanted for

GOD TO LOVE US

and maybe even 

LOVE US BETTER THAN ALL THE OTHERS

I think that probably

I wanted my dad

to love me more than my other eight siblings

or at least just

LOVE ME

but that was not in his repertoire

People who’ve not had

similar childhood experiences

sometimes try to correct me

and they’ll say

OH HE LOVED YOU

these days

thanks to 

MEDITATION

I can think or say a response

that is not

SHUT THE FUCK UP

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK

YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

so score one for me and

MEDITATION

I have other issues with 

The Church

beyond all the associations

with my father

who used religion

as a weapon

There’s the sexism

There’s my cousin the priest

who groped me

when I was a teenager

and then he 

LAUGHED 

like it was all a game

The thing is

you might think with

all these experiences

GOOD FRIDAY

would be totally

FRAUGHT 

for me

and I do admit that

as I type this

I can feel my blood pressure

going up a little

but as soon as I’m done

I’m going to 

go for a walk

and I am going to

appreciate all the wildflowers

and then I am going to

MEDITATE

and actually I am going to have a

GREAT FRIDAY

because whatever

residual discomfort

I have from my bad religious experiences

they are now greatly tempered by

TIME

and

BREATHING

and

also this:

For all the super bad shit

that went down in my mind

courtesy of religion

it wasn’t 

ALL BAD

I received a very strong

and very repeated message

about the importance of

SERVING OTHERS

I was able to separate out the

WHEAT

of that notion

from the

CHAFF

of the bullshit

and I really do believe

nothing beats

SERVING OTHERS

(although I hasten to add

I’m also huge fan of

SELF-CARE)

and so

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I am grateful

to my 

MEDITATION PRACTICE

for helping me to

calm down about all the

religious stuff

that used to make steam

shoot out of every orifice 

whenever I thought about it

and I wish my

Christian friends a 

HAPPY EASTER

and I say

Thank You Jesus

for setting a cool example

of how to be nice to

EVERYBODY

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Seven
St. Mary’s Church of the Assumption
Flatonia, TX
By applause
how many of you
remember these
DANGEROUS AS SHIT
merry-go-rounds
and by further applause
how many of you remember
trying to keep up as you
ran to get it going 
but then you fell down and
tore up your face
or maybe you made it on
but then you
FELL OFF ANYWAY
and 
cracked your head open
Playgrounds used to be
DANGEROUS
Now they are covered in that stuff
I call 
FAUX DINOSAUR SKIN
everything is soft and curved
plastic and spongy
like a 
STRIPPER’S BOSOM
not a
PROPER PLAYGROUND
When I first moved to Austin
I took Henry
who was barely one
to the top of a 
DEADLY SLIDE
at Zilker Park
I still want to throw up
thinking of that sharp rusty
way-too-tall
ANXIETY GENERATOR
and back then
the children’s museum
was in some little building
and they had an exhibit
that was about the human body
and he
SMACKED HIS HEAD
on the 
CRAWL THROUGH COLON
which was just a metal tube
how do you explain that
Oh my son’s massive goose egg
on his forehead?
Crawl through colon, that’s all
As I recall
(and I confess my memory
grows shoddier by the hour)
There was a report a year or so ago
about how playgrounds are just
TOO SAFE
these days
that kids need to 
GET HURT 
at least a little
pick themselves up
keep going 
as an aside
let me say the folks who
created that study 
have never been to
THE CITY MUSEUM
in St. Louis
which is just a
joyfully insane collection of
twisted rebar painted brightly
and welcome to all comers
who want to potentially break
every bone in their bodies
IT’S SO FUN
anyway so safety
okay
Our Mind
is 
The Playground
and
Our Thoughts
are the
Equipment
you can slide down a hole
you can spin around and around
stuck on one thought
you can sit in the middle
of your thoughts
and bawl your eyes out
and beg for your bottle
(of whiskey)
Or you can let
MEDITATION
make your mental playground
SAFER
not overly safe
NOT BORING
just you know
less dangerous
In one of her lectures
Pema Chödrön
offers a parable
(or whatever it is)
about a dude who
wants to walk all the way
AROUND THE WORLD
so to keep his feet from
blistering up and
FALLING OFF
he decides he needs to
cover the entire earth in
LEATHER
but actually
he could be a lot quicker
and more efficient
and save money
if he just
PUTS ON SOME SHOES
I’ve been the one 
who tries to cover the earth
or way way way 
WAY MORE OFTEN
who has tried to 
walk barefoot across 
broken glass
burning coals
and
endless landmines
MEDITATION
has shown me
a way more comfortable way
to get around
and to
STAY SAFE
in a way that’s not
overly protected 
to the point of ignorance
or lack of important experience
but more in a way that
when I do fall 
I can handle it
Today I
Breathe In
and I
Breathe Out
and I am so thankful
that that 
sharp metal 
CRAWL THROUGH COLON
is a thing of the past
NOTE FROM SPIKE
Want to support this blog?
You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here
Thanks

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Seven

St. Mary’s Church of the Assumption

Flatonia, TX

By applause

how many of you

remember these

DANGEROUS AS SHIT

merry-go-rounds

and by further applause

how many of you remember

trying to keep up as you

ran to get it going 

but then you fell down and

tore up your face

or maybe you made it on

but then you

FELL OFF ANYWAY

and 

cracked your head open

Playgrounds used to be

DANGEROUS

Now they are covered in that stuff

I call 

FAUX DINOSAUR SKIN

everything is soft and curved

plastic and spongy

like a 

STRIPPER’S BOSOM

not a

PROPER PLAYGROUND

When I first moved to Austin

I took Henry

who was barely one

to the top of a 

DEADLY SLIDE

at Zilker Park

I still want to throw up

thinking of that sharp rusty

way-too-tall

ANXIETY GENERATOR

and back then

the children’s museum

was in some little building

and they had an exhibit

that was about the human body

and he

SMACKED HIS HEAD

on the 

CRAWL THROUGH COLON

which was just a metal tube

how do you explain that

Oh my son’s massive goose egg

on his forehead?

Crawl through colon, that’s all

As I recall

(and I confess my memory

grows shoddier by the hour)

There was a report a year or so ago

about how playgrounds are just

TOO SAFE

these days

that kids need to 

GET HURT 

at least a little

pick themselves up

keep going 

as an aside

let me say the folks who

created that study 

have never been to

THE CITY MUSEUM

in St. Louis

which is just a

joyfully insane collection of

twisted rebar painted brightly

and welcome to all comers

who want to potentially break

every bone in their bodies

IT’S SO FUN

anyway so safety

okay

Our Mind

is 

The Playground

and

Our Thoughts

are the

Equipment

you can slide down a hole

you can spin around and around

stuck on one thought

you can sit in the middle

of your thoughts

and bawl your eyes out

and beg for your bottle

(of whiskey)

Or you can let

MEDITATION

make your mental playground

SAFER

not overly safe

NOT BORING

just you know

less dangerous

In one of her lectures

Pema Chödrön

offers a parable

(or whatever it is)

about a dude who

wants to walk all the way

AROUND THE WORLD

so to keep his feet from

blistering up and

FALLING OFF

he decides he needs to

cover the entire earth in

LEATHER

but actually

he could be a lot quicker

and more efficient

and save money

if he just

PUTS ON SOME SHOES

I’ve been the one 

who tries to cover the earth

or way way way 

WAY MORE OFTEN

who has tried to 

walk barefoot across 

broken glass

burning coals

and

endless landmines

MEDITATION

has shown me

a way more comfortable way

to get around

and to

STAY SAFE

in a way that’s not

overly protected 

to the point of ignorance

or lack of important experience

but more in a way that

when I do fall 

I can handle it

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I am so thankful

that that 

sharp metal 

CRAWL THROUGH COLON

is a thing of the past

NOTE FROM SPIKE

Want to support this blog?

You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here

Thanks

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Six
East Cesar Chavez, The Hood, ATX
Pretty much the only times
(okay definitely the only times)
I’ve written about 
GEORGE W. BUSH
it has
DEFINITELY NOT
been in a manner
of
PRAISE AND POSITIVITY
and don’t worry
I haven’t gone so far down
this path of 
PEACE LOVE AND BUDDHA
to suddenly spout out
pro-Bush propaganda here
because let’s face it
dude has the blood of
hundreds of thousands
of innocents 
on his greedy filthy hands
so the story I tell today
it just popped into my head
UNBIDDEN
so let’s file it under
MONKEY MIND
Whenever I see this mural
It reminds me of the Bushism
I AM A PIT BULL ON THE PANT LEG OF OPPORTUNITY
I have no idea how that quote
got stuck in my mind’s hard drive
but it did
You know
that’s not even a 
PIT BULL
in the mural
but he is a dog
and clearly he is a dog of
TENACITY
and I think that’s what I like
about the quote
(I must emphasize how sick I feel
using the word
LIKE
regarding 
ANYTHING
W-related
but there you have it)
So many people say to me
Your name is Spike?
I have/know a dog named Spike!
Well I am aptly named
I am 
TENACIOUS
to understate the matter
I am a 
PIT BULL
on the
PANT LEG
of anything that
captures my attention
DO NOT GET ON MY SHIT LIST
because even though I keep saying
THE SHIT LIST 
has been dispensed with
you never know when
it might resurrect itself
This 
TENACITY
runs both directions
and the same energy I have
applied to 
GRUDGES
gets applied to
LOYALTY
If you are my friend
your ass is totally covered
trust me
I GOT YOUR BACK
When I went to fact check
that Bush quote—
because unlike politicians 
who, say, declare there are
WMDs without proof,
I like to check the facts—
anyway when I went to check it
a SNOPES link came right up
and confirmed my memory was right
and reminded me of a poem called
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER!
that is so hilarious
and is made up of
STUPID BUSH QUOTES
The opening line
dovetails nicely with
how I am trying to live my life
these days
so yes
GASP
I am going to
for the second time here today
throw a Bush quote at you
(don’t worry 
after this
I will resume my
non-Buddhist stance
of
HATING THAT MOTHERFUCKER)
so the other quote is this:
I think we all agree, the past is over
Kind of like in
THE LION KING
when Pumbaa says 
You gotta put your behind in the past
See that?
reminders to 
LIVE IN THE MOMENT
are everywhere
When it comes to
MEDITATION
I am like a 
PIT BULL
on the
PANT LEG
of
OPPORTUNITY
I just seize the chance to
SIT ON MY ASS
and
BREATHE
every day
and oh
what a difference
it makes
Today I 
Breathe In
and I 
Breathe Out
and
I do it 
AGAIN
and 
AGAIN
and 
AGAIN
and
AGAIN
NOTE FROM SPIKE
Want to support this blog?
You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here
Thanks
 

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Six

East Cesar Chavez, The Hood, ATX

Pretty much the only times

(okay definitely the only times)

I’ve written about 

GEORGE W. BUSH

it has

DEFINITELY NOT

been in a manner

of

PRAISE AND POSITIVITY

and don’t worry

I haven’t gone so far down

this path of 

PEACE LOVE AND BUDDHA

to suddenly spout out

pro-Bush propaganda here

because let’s face it

dude has the blood of

hundreds of thousands

of innocents 

on his greedy filthy hands

so the story I tell today

it just popped into my head

UNBIDDEN

so let’s file it under

MONKEY MIND

Whenever I see this mural

It reminds me of the Bushism

I AM A PIT BULL ON THE PANT LEG OF OPPORTUNITY

I have no idea how that quote

got stuck in my mind’s hard drive

but it did

You know

that’s not even a 

PIT BULL

in the mural

but he is a dog

and clearly he is a dog of

TENACITY

and I think that’s what I like

about the quote

(I must emphasize how sick I feel

using the word

LIKE

regarding 

ANYTHING

W-related

but there you have it)

So many people say to me

Your name is Spike?

I have/know a dog named Spike!

Well I am aptly named

I am 

TENACIOUS

to understate the matter

I am a 

PIT BULL

on the

PANT LEG

of anything that

captures my attention

DO NOT GET ON MY SHIT LIST

because even though I keep saying

THE SHIT LIST 

has been dispensed with

you never know when

it might resurrect itself

This 

TENACITY

runs both directions

and the same energy I have

applied to 

GRUDGES

gets applied to

LOYALTY

If you are my friend

your ass is totally covered

trust me

I GOT YOUR BACK

When I went to fact check

that Bush quote—

because unlike politicians 

who, say, declare there are

WMDs without proof,

I like to check the facts—

anyway when I went to check it

a SNOPES link came right up

and confirmed my memory was right

and reminded me of a poem called

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER!

that is so hilarious

and is made up of

STUPID BUSH QUOTES

The opening line

dovetails nicely with

how I am trying to live my life

these days

so yes

GASP

I am going to

for the second time here today

throw a Bush quote at you

(don’t worry 

after this

I will resume my

non-Buddhist stance

of

HATING THAT MOTHERFUCKER)

so the other quote is this:

I think we all agree, the past is over

Kind of like in

THE LION KING

when Pumbaa says 

You gotta put your behind in the past

See that?

reminders to 

LIVE IN THE MOMENT

are everywhere

When it comes to

MEDITATION

I am like a 

PIT BULL

on the

PANT LEG

of

OPPORTUNITY

I just seize the chance to

SIT ON MY ASS

and

BREATHE

every day

and oh

what a difference

it makes

Today I 

Breathe In

and I 

Breathe Out

and

I do it 

AGAIN

and 

AGAIN

and 

AGAIN

and

AGAIN

NOTE FROM SPIKE

Want to support this blog?

You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here

Thanks

 

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Five
East Fifth Street, The Hood, ATX
Here’s a fun fact
The last time I got married
my wedding cake was 
designed to look like a
DUMPSTER
seriously
My friend Sara Hickman made it
and it was to honor the fact
that the dude I married
was a dumpster diver
the dumpster cake was full of
TOY TRASH
you know even though
that marriage
and the horrific fallout
totally sucked
DONKEY COCK
I must admit that 
the party
the many live bands
and 
THAT CAKE
were really awesome
Dumpsters remind me
of my ex-husband
and my ex-husband reminds me
of my
FATHER
not only did they share
A BIRTHDAY
(lord I am so blind to
RED FLAGS
when I want to be)
but they both also totally
loved to 
salvage shit from the trash
this can be
ADMIRABLE
to a point
because a lot of good stuff
gets discarded every day
and my own house is
furnished with a lot of 
CAST OFFS
either retrieved curbside
or gifted to me by friends in
GET RID OF IT MODE
but you can only fit so much
in one house
and both
my father
and
my ex-husband
were
HOARDERS
My response to growing up
with a hoarder
and then marrying one
is that I am a
PURGER
at least of material objects
but oh my
when it comes to
THE DUMPSTER OF MY MIND
I have to admit that
I crammed in way more
than there was room for
for more than four decades
I mean I just 
HELD ONTO
a ton of 
GARBAGE
I had so much 
ATTACHMENT 
to all the abuse and pain
and
SUFFERING
It wasn’t even like I was
doing it on purpose
I just didn’t know how to
EMPTY THE DUMPSTER
and then along came
MEDITATION
which is a
GAS MASK FOR YOUR MIND
it helps you to 
BREATHE SAFELY
as you sort through
all the shit
and
determine what you should
SALVAGE
and what you should 
SEND AWAY FOREVER
to that landfill called
THE BLACK HOLE
technically 
if you want to look at all this
through the lens of
BUDDHISM
we shouldn’t really assign value 
such as
GOOD
or
BAD
to our memories
but let’s face it
I’d much rather recall
LAUGHING MY ASS OFF
with friends
than some of the 
BULLSHIT
I had to endure
and/or
some of the 
SELF-IMPOSED BULLSHIT
I created for myself
The truth is
(I do believe)
That of course it is the
SUM OF OUR EXPERIENCES
that gets us where we need to be
I can’t just have a
DUMPSTER FULL OF ROSES
the shit
has helped me
to appreciate
the non-shit
and also hopefully
to help others
HOLD THEIR SHIT
until they can find a good place
to put it down
and figure out how to
EMPTY THE DUMPSTER
so we can all
BREATHE EASIER
Today I
Breathe In
and I 
Breathe Out
and I’m grateful
for lessons learned
in 
SHIT SORTING
Thank you
NOTE FROM SPIKE
Want to support this blog?
You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here
Thanks

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Five

East Fifth Street, The Hood, ATX

Here’s a fun fact

The last time I got married

my wedding cake was 

designed to look like a

DUMPSTER

seriously

My friend Sara Hickman made it

and it was to honor the fact

that the dude I married

was a dumpster diver

the dumpster cake was full of

TOY TRASH

you know even though

that marriage

and the horrific fallout

totally sucked

DONKEY COCK

I must admit that 

the party

the many live bands

and 

THAT CAKE

were really awesome

Dumpsters remind me

of my ex-husband

and my ex-husband reminds me

of my

FATHER

not only did they share

A BIRTHDAY

(lord I am so blind to

RED FLAGS

when I want to be)

but they both also totally

loved to 

salvage shit from the trash

this can be

ADMIRABLE

to a point

because a lot of good stuff

gets discarded every day

and my own house is

furnished with a lot of 

CAST OFFS

either retrieved curbside

or gifted to me by friends in

GET RID OF IT MODE

but you can only fit so much

in one house

and both

my father

and

my ex-husband

were

HOARDERS

My response to growing up

with a hoarder

and then marrying one

is that I am a

PURGER

at least of material objects

but oh my

when it comes to

THE DUMPSTER OF MY MIND

I have to admit that

I crammed in way more

than there was room for

for more than four decades

I mean I just 

HELD ONTO

a ton of 

GARBAGE

I had so much 

ATTACHMENT 

to all the abuse and pain

and

SUFFERING

It wasn’t even like I was

doing it on purpose

I just didn’t know how to

EMPTY THE DUMPSTER

and then along came

MEDITATION

which is a

GAS MASK FOR YOUR MIND

it helps you to 

BREATHE SAFELY

as you sort through

all the shit

and

determine what you should

SALVAGE

and what you should 

SEND AWAY FOREVER

to that landfill called

THE BLACK HOLE

technically 

if you want to look at all this

through the lens of

BUDDHISM

we shouldn’t really assign value 

such as

GOOD

or

BAD

to our memories

but let’s face it

I’d much rather recall

LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

with friends

than some of the 

BULLSHIT

I had to endure

and/or

some of the 

SELF-IMPOSED BULLSHIT

I created for myself

The truth is

(I do believe)

That of course it is the

SUM OF OUR EXPERIENCES

that gets us where we need to be

I can’t just have a

DUMPSTER FULL OF ROSES

the shit

has helped me

to appreciate

the non-shit

and also hopefully

to help others

HOLD THEIR SHIT

until they can find a good place

to put it down

and figure out how to

EMPTY THE DUMPSTER

so we can all

BREATHE EASIER

Today I

Breathe In

and I 

Breathe Out

and I’m grateful

for lessons learned

in 

SHIT SORTING

Thank you

NOTE FROM SPIKE

Want to support this blog?

You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here

Thanks

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Four
East Fifth Street, The Hood, ATX
I have been performing weddings
sine 2006
In that time I think I’ve cleared
800 ceremonies
I also do baby blessings
and I recently added
memorial services
One thing I’ve learned
especially regarding weddings
is that
APRIL and OCTOBER
are just totally nuts
the weather is the nicest
for outdoor ceremonies
and so my calendar is packed
By the time this month wraps
I’ll have done sixteen weddings
which is actually relatively light
compared to other years
but still it’s
A LOT
and even though this work
(even the memorial services)
is absolutely
FULL OF JOY
it really takes it out of me
pouring so much energy out
in such a short period of time
because really
that is what I do
ENERGY WORK
So what I figured out is that
when April comes around
I need to say 
NO
to almost all social invitations
and I need to spend
as much time as possible
IN BED
not even necessarily sleeping
but just
PRONE
and
RESTING
I’m writing this from my bed
which is an obscenely 
AWESOME BED
I will stay in my bed
until my first appointment 
this afternoon
I will meditate in bed
But there’s a catch
BED
is also where I have spent
endless hours in
DEEP DEPRESSIONS
in the past
it’s a kooky thing
navigating certain parts of life
when good things also
have bad associations
Here’s another example
when I was born
my father named me
(he got to name the girls—
there are eight of us—
and my mother got to name
the one boy)
Technically the name he gave me
is actually quite beautiful
but very few people
are allowed to use it
because it is very heavy for me
it ties back to
a lot of bad shit
hearing it called out
often meant I was
about to be
PUNISHED
for some bizarre infraction
anyway
so
MY BED
Last night after I got home
from conducting
a wedding 
and 
a memorial service
(the latter for a good friend)
I got in bed with two dogs
an apple and
a shitload of pistachios
I downloaded a movie
and 
I knitted something easy
and even these things seemed like
TOO MUCH
I could barely keep my eyes open
so then I wake up this morning
and you know how sometimes you
feel just a hint of what may or may not be
a sore throat
and your instinct is to panic
and think
FUCK NO NO NO NO NO
NOT A COLD PLEASE NO
because even though colds aren’t
the end of the world
they are a goddamn 
PAIN IN THE ASS
and usually by the time
you feel the sore throat
there’s no stopping that train
well okay this morning
I felt the mental equivalent
of a sore throat
and my instinct is to
PANIC
and assume a 
MAJOR DEPRESSION
is waiting in the wings
to take me down
this is my default setting
one I have worked hard to rewire
but one that sometimes still kicks in
and it is called
ASSUME THE WORST
then I thought about it
maybe a depression is 
in the offing
but more likely it’s just
that I am
EXHAUSTED
and it is very
GLOOMY 
outside and also
my brain is associating
these long stretches in bed
with the old idea that
this must mean
it’s time to
GO TO THE DARK PLACE
but the thing is
when I set my mind
to really truly deeply embracing
MEDITATION
back in January 2013
(after a dozen or so years
of meditating but not
with such intention)
THE DEPRESSION
I was in at the time
cleared up
and hasn’t been back
so today the goal is
to remind body and mind
YOU CAN REST
and 
YOU CAN REST IN BED
and 
YOU CAN FEEL TIRED
and 
YOU CAN EVEN FEEL GLOOMY
and this doesn’t mean
SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN
It just means
it’s time to be quiet
and
RECHARGE
Today I
Breathe In
and I
Breathe Out
and I am grateful to
MEDITATION
for keeping me
ON THE RIGHT TRACK
Thank you
NOTE FROM SPIKE
Want to support this blog?
You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here
Thanks

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Four

East Fifth Street, The Hood, ATX

I have been performing weddings

sine 2006

In that time I think I’ve cleared

800 ceremonies

I also do baby blessings

and I recently added

memorial services

One thing I’ve learned

especially regarding weddings

is that

APRIL and OCTOBER

are just totally nuts

the weather is the nicest

for outdoor ceremonies

and so my calendar is packed

By the time this month wraps

I’ll have done sixteen weddings

which is actually relatively light

compared to other years

but still it’s

A LOT

and even though this work

(even the memorial services)

is absolutely

FULL OF JOY

it really takes it out of me

pouring so much energy out

in such a short period of time

because really

that is what I do

ENERGY WORK

So what I figured out is that

when April comes around

I need to say 

NO

to almost all social invitations

and I need to spend

as much time as possible

IN BED

not even necessarily sleeping

but just

PRONE

and

RESTING

I’m writing this from my bed

which is an obscenely 

AWESOME BED

I will stay in my bed

until my first appointment 

this afternoon

I will meditate in bed

But there’s a catch

BED

is also where I have spent

endless hours in

DEEP DEPRESSIONS

in the past

it’s a kooky thing

navigating certain parts of life

when good things also

have bad associations

Here’s another example

when I was born

my father named me

(he got to name the girls—

there are eight of us—

and my mother got to name

the one boy)

Technically the name he gave me

is actually quite beautiful

but very few people

are allowed to use it

because it is very heavy for me

it ties back to

a lot of bad shit

hearing it called out

often meant I was

about to be

PUNISHED

for some bizarre infraction

anyway

so

MY BED

Last night after I got home

from conducting

a wedding 

and 

a memorial service

(the latter for a good friend)

I got in bed with two dogs

an apple and

a shitload of pistachios

I downloaded a movie

and 

I knitted something easy

and even these things seemed like

TOO MUCH

I could barely keep my eyes open

so then I wake up this morning

and you know how sometimes you

feel just a hint of what may or may not be

a sore throat

and your instinct is to panic

and think

FUCK NO NO NO NO NO

NOT A COLD PLEASE NO

because even though colds aren’t

the end of the world

they are a goddamn 

PAIN IN THE ASS

and usually by the time

you feel the sore throat

there’s no stopping that train

well okay this morning

I felt the mental equivalent

of a sore throat

and my instinct is to

PANIC

and assume a 

MAJOR DEPRESSION

is waiting in the wings

to take me down

this is my default setting

one I have worked hard to rewire

but one that sometimes still kicks in

and it is called

ASSUME THE WORST

then I thought about it

maybe a depression is 

in the offing

but more likely it’s just

that I am

EXHAUSTED

and it is very

GLOOMY 

outside and also

my brain is associating

these long stretches in bed

with the old idea that

this must mean

it’s time to

GO TO THE DARK PLACE

but the thing is

when I set my mind

to really truly deeply embracing

MEDITATION

back in January 2013

(after a dozen or so years

of meditating but not

with such intention)

THE DEPRESSION

I was in at the time

cleared up

and hasn’t been back

so today the goal is

to remind body and mind

YOU CAN REST

and 

YOU CAN REST IN BED

and 

YOU CAN FEEL TIRED

and 

YOU CAN EVEN FEEL GLOOMY

and this doesn’t mean

SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN

It just means

it’s time to be quiet

and

RECHARGE

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I am grateful to

MEDITATION

for keeping me

ON THE RIGHT TRACK

Thank you

NOTE FROM SPIKE

Want to support this blog?

You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here

Thanks

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Three
Springdale Farm, The Hood, ATX
Today around noon
I will perform a wedding
in a beautiful rose garden
in Zilker Park
Then I will drive south
and lead the memorial service
for my friend who recently died
which means yes
this will be a week of
FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL
I’m just learning about funerals
but I can already see how
they have things in common 
with weddings
a lot of people
a lot of emotion
many stories being told
both milestone moments
IT IS SUCH AN HONOR
to be asked to lead my friend’s service
and I’ve been thinking about
what stories I want to tell about her
I have to keep it short
there are a lot of us
so I think I’ve got it down
to two main points
The first is that
my friend was really dedicated
to cultivating, nurturing, and growing
OUR FRIENDSHIP
I am often very very busy
and more often still
I use my busyness (real or imagined)
to act as a shield
and as an excuse
to say no to invitations
because I am a big time
INTROVERT
My friend very cheerfully
would end each of our get togethers
saying that we had to do it again 
SOON
and then almost immediately
she would email me to
set another date
Such dedication to friendship is
INCREDIBLE
she really taught me a lot
about the importance 
of making time for each other
The other thing is
she had this great little pool
and super fab sauna
so very often our dates 
involved hours of sweating and soaking
and talking and talking
and then when we were totally chill
we’d go eat at 
THE CLAY PIT
I loved the routine
I loved how I could count on her
I loved how much she taught me about
SELF-CARE
When I lived in 
the house that got demolished
I spent a lot of time
I mean
A LOT OF TIME
on the porch
with friends
people would drop by
all the time
and we called it
PORCHING
and that was 
in some ways
about self-care too
only back then I still
DRANK
boy did I
so the followup hangovers
took away from
the happy parts of porching
but still I know what it was
about porching
that really appealed to me
I am a very very very
HIGH STRUNG
chick
I have had 
EXTREME ANXIETY ISSUES
my entire life
it is so hard for me
to sit still
but the porch was a
REASON TO SIT
and the beer
well I feel like every day
somewhere between
the third and fourth beer
there was this little window
say about twenty minutes
where the anxiety was at bay
I wasn’t drunk yet
it was just this
really nice spot
NO WORRY
NO RUNNING AROUND
JUST BEING
I quit drinking a long time ago
but now I have
MEDITATION
which is a better kind of
SELF-CARE
because
MEDITATION
is like a 
PORCH FOR MY MIND
and when I go there
the anxiety quiets down
and I don’t feel like
I should be running around
I know that I am happy 
JUST SITTING
Today I
Breathe In
and I
Breathe Out
and I have 
ENDLESS GRATITUDE
for my friend
whom I must tell goodbye today
for teaching me so much
about just taking time
to sit and be
Thank you

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Three

Springdale Farm, The Hood, ATX

Today around noon

I will perform a wedding

in a beautiful rose garden

in Zilker Park

Then I will drive south

and lead the memorial service

for my friend who recently died

which means yes

this will be a week of

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL

I’m just learning about funerals

but I can already see how

they have things in common 

with weddings

a lot of people

a lot of emotion

many stories being told

both milestone moments

IT IS SUCH AN HONOR

to be asked to lead my friend’s service

and I’ve been thinking about

what stories I want to tell about her

I have to keep it short

there are a lot of us

so I think I’ve got it down

to two main points

The first is that

my friend was really dedicated

to cultivating, nurturing, and growing

OUR FRIENDSHIP

I am often very very busy

and more often still

I use my busyness (real or imagined)

to act as a shield

and as an excuse

to say no to invitations

because I am a big time

INTROVERT

My friend very cheerfully

would end each of our get togethers

saying that we had to do it again 

SOON

and then almost immediately

she would email me to

set another date

Such dedication to friendship is

INCREDIBLE

she really taught me a lot

about the importance 

of making time for each other

The other thing is

she had this great little pool

and super fab sauna

so very often our dates 

involved hours of sweating and soaking

and talking and talking

and then when we were totally chill

we’d go eat at 

THE CLAY PIT

I loved the routine

I loved how I could count on her

I loved how much she taught me about

SELF-CARE

When I lived in 

the house that got demolished

I spent a lot of time

I mean

A LOT OF TIME

on the porch

with friends

people would drop by

all the time

and we called it

PORCHING

and that was 

in some ways

about self-care too

only back then I still

DRANK

boy did I

so the followup hangovers

took away from

the happy parts of porching

but still I know what it was

about porching

that really appealed to me

I am a very very very

HIGH STRUNG

chick

I have had 

EXTREME ANXIETY ISSUES

my entire life

it is so hard for me

to sit still

but the porch was a

REASON TO SIT

and the beer

well I feel like every day

somewhere between

the third and fourth beer

there was this little window

say about twenty minutes

where the anxiety was at bay

I wasn’t drunk yet

it was just this

really nice spot

NO WORRY

NO RUNNING AROUND

JUST BEING

I quit drinking a long time ago

but now I have

MEDITATION

which is a better kind of

SELF-CARE

because

MEDITATION

is like a 

PORCH FOR MY MIND

and when I go there

the anxiety quiets down

and I don’t feel like

I should be running around

I know that I am happy 

JUST SITTING

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I have 

ENDLESS GRATITUDE

for my friend

whom I must tell goodbye today

for teaching me so much

about just taking time

to sit and be

Thank you

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Two
East Fourth & Attayac, The Hood, ATX
Yesterday I was
talking about
CREATING JOY
just for the sake of it
Well within an hour of posting that
something happened that set
A TON OF JOY
into motion
Some of you know the backstory
but for those of you who don’t
let me explain
Also yesterday I mentioned
finding a flier about a 
LOST PANDA
that made me giggle
so I texted the number
and got hilarious replies
a day or two after finding that flier
I was out with
ESTEBAN
and he spotted a flier on a pole
that said 
MYSTERY COMPLIMENT
and said if you’d text your picture
you’d get a compliment
So I did
and I got back a reply
asking if I was texting in reference
to a compliment or
THE PANDA
hahahahahaha
I hadn’t even noticed it was
THE SAME NUMBER
I was so tickled
at whoever is putting up these fliers
that I posted the flier on Facebook
and lots of other people
texted in their pictures
then posted the
HILARIOUS RESPONSES
and the thing went mini-viral
and whilst I’m guessing that
THE MISSING PANDA/MYSTERY COMPLIMENTER PEOPLE
are probably exhausted
they showed no signs of it
in their witty responses
(if you want a compliment
you can text your picture
to this number
512-963-3660)
I loved that Esteban found the flier
because he’s the one who taught me
about a guy named
HAKIM BEY
who gives a really great talk about
POETIC TERRORISM 
which is similar to but different from
RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
The Mystery Compliment and Missing Panda People
are total masters of 
POETIC TERRORISM
they fill my heart with 
SO MUCH LOVE
I will never forget them
Meanwhile I also have
heaping shit tons of 
LOVE AND GRATITUDE
for whoever did this take on
Daniel Johnston’s iconic mural
HI HOW ARE YOU
I love that they included
THX DJ off to the side
GRATITUDE 
is always such a nice thing
and I love that they
make me think about 
the importance of 
RE-IMAGINATION
how to take something beautiful
and shift the prism
and see it another way
that’s also beautiful
I’m applying this concept
more and more in my life now
For example
Some of you have listened to me
BITCH ABOUT THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS
for years
they ruin my garden annually
as does the drought
Last year at my old blog
I wrote a piece called
TIME FOR OUR ANNUAL CHECK IN
WITH THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS
but this year
I am looking at my raised beds
and I realize that
instead of lamenting how
every year every plant either
gets eaten or dies of thirst
despite my best drip irrigation efforts
I just need to 
SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE
so I’m not planting veggies this year
I’m putting in
A CACTUS GARDEN
I’m done fighting nature
gonna work with it
I had other opportunities yesterday
to practice 
RE-IMAGINATION 
When I came home
and found my cat dying
I rushed her to the vet
and instead of focusing on
SADNESS
I used her passing as a chance
to remember when she showed up
at the house that got demolished
and to remember my amazing son’s
amazing love of so many animals
and also I used it as an opportunity
to be grateful to everyone who
helps everyone else
like the entire staff at the vet’s office
who helped Skitty Kitty cross over gently
and then didn’t charge me for their services
CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT?
Then when I got home from the vet’s
I noticed that the mail person had
put my next door neighbors’ mail
in my box
I took it over and put it
in the right mailbox
A few minutes later
my door knocked
it was my next door neighbor
on the other side
LAWRENCE
he is eighty 
and 
HE IS AWESOME
I love him so much
BEST NEIGHBOR EVER
he likes to call and check on me
and bring me gifts
I LOVE HIM
I went to the door
and he was standing there
with my mail
which had been delivered to his house
and he started to apologise
for disturbing me
and I told him he wasn’t
disturbing me at all
In that moment I could quickly
RE-IMAGINE
the mistake of the mail carrier
as a beautiful thing
I said to Lawrence
How lucky I am 
that my mail went 
to your house
it provided a chance
for me to see you
I wish you could’ve seen
how his face lit up
when I said that
like I had just
MADE HIS DAY
I have to give credit
for my quick thinking
to all the people out there
who are 
SPREADING JOY
just because they can
and who are showing me how
to look at things
DIFFERENTLY
I mean I am
SO GRATEFUL
right now
I could just 
burst out crying
Today I
Breathe In
and I
Breathe Out
and I say
THANK YOU
Hakim Bey
THANK YOU
Missing Panda/Mystery Compliment People
THANK YOU
Kind Vet Staff
THANK YOU
Everybody

Day Three Hundred and Thirty Two

East Fourth & Attayac, The Hood, ATX

Yesterday I was

talking about

CREATING JOY

just for the sake of it

Well within an hour of posting that

something happened that set

A TON OF JOY

into motion

Some of you know the backstory

but for those of you who don’t

let me explain

Also yesterday I mentioned

finding a flier about a 

LOST PANDA

that made me giggle

so I texted the number

and got hilarious replies

a day or two after finding that flier

I was out with

ESTEBAN

and he spotted a flier on a pole

that said 

MYSTERY COMPLIMENT

and said if you’d text your picture

you’d get a compliment

So I did

and I got back a reply

asking if I was texting in reference

to a compliment or

THE PANDA

hahahahahaha

I hadn’t even noticed it was

THE SAME NUMBER

I was so tickled

at whoever is putting up these fliers

that I posted the flier on Facebook

and lots of other people

texted in their pictures

then posted the

HILARIOUS RESPONSES

and the thing went mini-viral

and whilst I’m guessing that

THE MISSING PANDA/MYSTERY COMPLIMENTER PEOPLE

are probably exhausted

they showed no signs of it

in their witty responses

(if you want a compliment

you can text your picture

to this number

512-963-3660)

I loved that Esteban found the flier

because he’s the one who taught me

about a guy named

HAKIM BEY

who gives a really great talk about

POETIC TERRORISM 

which is similar to but different from

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS

The Mystery Compliment and Missing Panda People

are total masters of 

POETIC TERRORISM

they fill my heart with 

SO MUCH LOVE

I will never forget them

Meanwhile I also have

heaping shit tons of 

LOVE AND GRATITUDE

for whoever did this take on

Daniel Johnston’s iconic mural

HI HOW ARE YOU

I love that they included

THX DJ off to the side

GRATITUDE 

is always such a nice thing

and I love that they

make me think about 

the importance of 

RE-IMAGINATION

how to take something beautiful

and shift the prism

and see it another way

that’s also beautiful

I’m applying this concept

more and more in my life now

For example

Some of you have listened to me

BITCH ABOUT THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS

for years

they ruin my garden annually

as does the drought

Last year at my old blog

I wrote a piece called

TIME FOR OUR ANNUAL CHECK IN

WITH THE FUCKING SQUIRRELS

but this year

I am looking at my raised beds

and I realize that

instead of lamenting how

every year every plant either

gets eaten or dies of thirst

despite my best drip irrigation efforts

I just need to 

SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE

so I’m not planting veggies this year

I’m putting in

A CACTUS GARDEN

I’m done fighting nature

gonna work with it

I had other opportunities yesterday

to practice 

RE-IMAGINATION 

When I came home

and found my cat dying

I rushed her to the vet

and instead of focusing on

SADNESS

I used her passing as a chance

to remember when she showed up

at the house that got demolished

and to remember my amazing son’s

amazing love of so many animals

and also I used it as an opportunity

to be grateful to everyone who

helps everyone else

like the entire staff at the vet’s office

who helped Skitty Kitty cross over gently

and then didn’t charge me for their services

CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT?

Then when I got home from the vet’s

I noticed that the mail person had

put my next door neighbors’ mail

in my box

I took it over and put it

in the right mailbox

A few minutes later

my door knocked

it was my next door neighbor

on the other side

LAWRENCE

he is eighty 

and 

HE IS AWESOME

I love him so much

BEST NEIGHBOR EVER

he likes to call and check on me

and bring me gifts

I LOVE HIM

I went to the door

and he was standing there

with my mail

which had been delivered to his house

and he started to apologise

for disturbing me

and I told him he wasn’t

disturbing me at all

In that moment I could quickly

RE-IMAGINE

the mistake of the mail carrier

as a beautiful thing

I said to Lawrence

How lucky I am 

that my mail went 

to your house

it provided a chance

for me to see you

I wish you could’ve seen

how his face lit up

when I said that

like I had just

MADE HIS DAY

I have to give credit

for my quick thinking

to all the people out there

who are 

SPREADING JOY

just because they can

and who are showing me how

to look at things

DIFFERENTLY

I mean I am

SO GRATEFUL

right now

I could just 

burst out crying

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I say

THANK YOU

Hakim Bey

THANK YOU

Missing Panda/Mystery Compliment People

THANK YOU

Kind Vet Staff

THANK YOU

Everybody

Day Three Hundred and Thirty One
HONK TX, Spider House Parking Lot, ATX
A few weeks ago
right after SXSW
HONK TX
happened
That’s this weekend festival
where non-traditional marching bands
from all over the country
gather together
and
MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC
Even if I hadn’t been
a saxophone player
in the worst marching band in
SOUTH JERSEY
in the late 70s
I would still
LOVE MARCHING BAND MUSIC
it is so uplifting
HONK TX
would’ve been fun no matter what
but timed as it was
it was an
UBER TONIC
it brought me so much joy
SXSW has gotten totally
OUT OF CONTROL
you can’t get anywhere
there’s just too much
it is overwhelming
HONK TX
on the other hand
was totally manageable 
completely free
ALL COMERS WELCOME
In the picture I’m sitting with
Austin’s own
MINOR MISHAP MARCHING BAND
All of the bands
wear fabulous costumes
make people laugh
some to the point of weeping
(that would be yours truly)
as far as I know
everyone does this
totally as a volunteer thing
JOY FOR THE SAKE OF JOY
There’s just nothing like that
In the band that played
just before Minor Mishap
a fiddler with a bright blue mohawk
stepped away from the group
and toward a beautiful red-headed toddler
who was sitting and watching in awe
the fiddler knelt down just in front of
the ginger baby
and played for her
I’m getting all misty
just remembering
Then the other day
I saw this hilarious 
FAKE FLIER
for a missing panda
there was a phone number
so I texted it to say
I’d found a panda
wasn’t sure it was the right one
and 
THE MISSING PANDA PEOPLE
texted back 
and the exchange we had
was so priceless
that I posted it 
on Facebook
and then some friends of mine
also texted in some
PANDA SIGHTINGS
and they too
got brilliant responses
we are all giddy at
the way these strangers
took the time
to create some 
FABULOUS SILLINESS
Thich Nhat Hanh says
WE NEED HAPPY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD
Today
even though I’m not the boss of you
I am gently inviting you to
BE JOYFUL
MAKE JOY
FEEL JOY
Also
Today I
Breathe In
and I
Breathe Out
and 
well
I JUST LOVE EVERYBODY
Thank you

Day Three Hundred and Thirty One

HONK TX, Spider House Parking Lot, ATX

A few weeks ago

right after SXSW

HONK TX

happened

That’s this weekend festival

where non-traditional marching bands

from all over the country

gather together

and

MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC

Even if I hadn’t been

a saxophone player

in the worst marching band in

SOUTH JERSEY

in the late 70s

I would still

LOVE MARCHING BAND MUSIC

it is so uplifting

HONK TX

would’ve been fun no matter what

but timed as it was

it was an

UBER TONIC

it brought me so much joy

SXSW has gotten totally

OUT OF CONTROL

you can’t get anywhere

there’s just too much

it is overwhelming

HONK TX

on the other hand

was totally manageable 

completely free

ALL COMERS WELCOME

In the picture I’m sitting with

Austin’s own

MINOR MISHAP MARCHING BAND

All of the bands

wear fabulous costumes

make people laugh

some to the point of weeping

(that would be yours truly)

as far as I know

everyone does this

totally as a volunteer thing

JOY FOR THE SAKE OF JOY

There’s just nothing like that

In the band that played

just before Minor Mishap

a fiddler with a bright blue mohawk

stepped away from the group

and toward a beautiful red-headed toddler

who was sitting and watching in awe

the fiddler knelt down just in front of

the ginger baby

and played for her

I’m getting all misty

just remembering

Then the other day

I saw this hilarious 

FAKE FLIER

for a missing panda

there was a phone number

so I texted it to say

I’d found a panda

wasn’t sure it was the right one

and 

THE MISSING PANDA PEOPLE

texted back 

and the exchange we had

was so priceless

that I posted it 

on Facebook

and then some friends of mine

also texted in some

PANDA SIGHTINGS

and they too

got brilliant responses

we are all giddy at

the way these strangers

took the time

to create some 

FABULOUS SILLINESS

Thich Nhat Hanh says

WE NEED HAPPY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD

Today

even though I’m not the boss of you

I am gently inviting you to

BE JOYFUL

MAKE JOY

FEEL JOY

Also

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and 

well

I JUST LOVE EVERYBODY

Thank you

Day Three Hundred and Thirty
Ladies’ Room, Ramen Tatsu-Ya, ATX
In Meditation Class
at Eastside Yoga
We don’t just meditate
we also talk about
ways meditation helps us to
DEAL WITH OUR SHIT
The other day we were talking about
ATTACHMENT
and I asked folks to share
things they are attached to
and someone mentioned
being attached to 
APPEARANCES
Okay so that one 
really resonates for me
because I like to pretend
I am not attached to appearances
and most days if you saw me
working at home in my pajamas
you would definitely not peg me
as someone worried about appearances
but I’ve been just as 
BRAINWASHED
by the media as most everyone else
so even though I appreciate
all the amazing and beautiful
sizes and shapes and colors
we humans come in
I confess that my 
INNER CRITIC
has had a field day for
at least the past forty years
insulting me when I am not
X size
I have been 
up and down the scales
more than Schroeder
More than once 
I have lost fifty pounds
and gained it back
Once I was even featured
in one of those
BEFORE AND AFTER
magazine articles
In the past year
I lost thirty pounds
(you can see the difference
if you look at 
a picture from 
when this blog started)
Often when I am
LOSING WEIGHT
the trigger is massive anxiety
like a breakup
which was true this last time
Then I get into
feeling lighter
and my mind shifts to a place
where I can just keep going
keep losing
More than once
MY OTHER SECRETS
to weight loss have included
replacing food with vodka
and/or
subsisting on 
COFFEE AND CIGARETTES
Seriously folks
if you want to drop a bunch of weight
just stop eating
funny thing is
you’ll feel like
FUCKING HELL
but people will tell you
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
Once the topic of appearances 
was raised in class
we then meditated
before resuming the discussion
As I closed my eyes
immediately two thoughts popped in
JAPAN AND GAY BARS
because those are two places
I am always totally comfortable
with whatever size I am
and however I look
Let me explain
Part of the whole 
MEDIA BULLSHIT
that tells us we
NEED TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY
involves for heterosexual women
the notion that 
skinny is going to 
MAKE THE BOYS WANT US
never mind that all the men
I have loved most
and who have
loved me most
don’t give a flying fuck
if I weigh eight pounds
or eight hundred pounds
I’m just talking about
the message that we 
INTERNALIZE
So the first time 
I went to Japan
one particular day
I went into a tiny shop
and I had a big backpack on
and I saw a look of
TERROR 
in the eyes of the shop owners
I was the vision of a 
BULL
they waited for me to
bump into stuff
I didn’t
I was aware at that moment
just how
BIG 
I seemed
because I am 
much bigger than
most women in Japan
that’s just the way it is
and knowing that
this is just the way it is
I didn’t think
(as I sometimes did
and occasionally still do)
what I think stateside
when I see some chick
who is considered
HOT
by society’s standards
which is
If only I worked out more
and ate less
I could be like that, too
No chance in hell
I’ll ever be
a tiny Japanese woman
so I was utterly free
to just settle into me
and not worry about it
Same thing in 
GAY BARS
those guys couldn’t care less
what I look like
so the self-imposed pressure
is totally off
Maybe I should
open a 
GAY BAR IN JAPAN
where straight American women
can just go
to stop beating themselves up
for not matching outwardly
some unattainable goals
they have about their appearances
I mentioned yesterday 
that I’m listening to
Thich Nhat Hanh’s 
new book
The Art of Communicating
Thay (as he is known)
is a big fan of
WALKING MEDITATION
and he says that when we walk
it’s important to not 
COUNT OUR STEPS
or
COUNT CALORIES BURNED
you just
WALK
to be in touch with
THE EARTH
and to be in touch with
YOUR BREATHING
I walk miles most days
I used to time myself
go as fast as I could
try to burn up calories
I admit that when some of the dogs
got old and 
moved slower
I’d sometimes feel bummed
like their slower pace
was the thing keeping me from
SMALLER LEVI’S
that was so embarrassing
just then
for me to admit
Now I just walk
I let the dogs set the pace
They constantly stop to
check for pee mail
I let them
And I try to just focus
on the walking
on the moment
and not some
hoped for 
end results
Today I
Breathe In
and I
Breathe Out
and I won’t be surprised
if one day
I regrow my ass
to a bigger size
and I’m cool with that
because I’m 
just happy to be here
Thank you

Day Three Hundred and Thirty

Ladies’ Room, Ramen Tatsu-Ya, ATX

In Meditation Class

at Eastside Yoga

We don’t just meditate

we also talk about

ways meditation helps us to

DEAL WITH OUR SHIT

The other day we were talking about

ATTACHMENT

and I asked folks to share

things they are attached to

and someone mentioned

being attached to 

APPEARANCES

Okay so that one 

really resonates for me

because I like to pretend

I am not attached to appearances

and most days if you saw me

working at home in my pajamas

you would definitely not peg me

as someone worried about appearances

but I’ve been just as 

BRAINWASHED

by the media as most everyone else

so even though I appreciate

all the amazing and beautiful

sizes and shapes and colors

we humans come in

I confess that my 

INNER CRITIC

has had a field day for

at least the past forty years

insulting me when I am not

X size

I have been 

up and down the scales

more than Schroeder

More than once 

I have lost fifty pounds

and gained it back

Once I was even featured

in one of those

BEFORE AND AFTER

magazine articles

In the past year

I lost thirty pounds

(you can see the difference

if you look at 

a picture from 

when this blog started)

Often when I am

LOSING WEIGHT

the trigger is massive anxiety

like a breakup

which was true this last time

Then I get into

feeling lighter

and my mind shifts to a place

where I can just keep going

keep losing

More than once

MY OTHER SECRETS

to weight loss have included

replacing food with vodka

and/or

subsisting on 

COFFEE AND CIGARETTES

Seriously folks

if you want to drop a bunch of weight

just stop eating

funny thing is

you’ll feel like

FUCKING HELL

but people will tell you

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL

Once the topic of appearances 

was raised in class

we then meditated

before resuming the discussion

As I closed my eyes

immediately two thoughts popped in

JAPAN AND GAY BARS

because those are two places

I am always totally comfortable

with whatever size I am

and however I look

Let me explain

Part of the whole 

MEDIA BULLSHIT

that tells us we

NEED TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY

involves for heterosexual women

the notion that 

skinny is going to 

MAKE THE BOYS WANT US

never mind that all the men

I have loved most

and who have

loved me most

don’t give a flying fuck

if I weigh eight pounds

or eight hundred pounds

I’m just talking about

the message that we 

INTERNALIZE

So the first time 

I went to Japan

one particular day

I went into a tiny shop

and I had a big backpack on

and I saw a look of

TERROR 

in the eyes of the shop owners

I was the vision of a 

BULL

they waited for me to

bump into stuff

I didn’t

I was aware at that moment

just how

BIG 

I seemed

because I am 

much bigger than

most women in Japan

that’s just the way it is

and knowing that

this is just the way it is

I didn’t think

(as I sometimes did

and occasionally still do)

what I think stateside

when I see some chick

who is considered

HOT

by society’s standards

which is

If only I worked out more

and ate less

I could be like that, too

No chance in hell

I’ll ever be

a tiny Japanese woman

so I was utterly free

to just settle into me

and not worry about it

Same thing in 

GAY BARS

those guys couldn’t care less

what I look like

so the self-imposed pressure

is totally off

Maybe I should

open a 

GAY BAR IN JAPAN

where straight American women

can just go

to stop beating themselves up

for not matching outwardly

some unattainable goals

they have about their appearances

I mentioned yesterday 

that I’m listening to

Thich Nhat Hanh’s 

new book

The Art of Communicating

Thay (as he is known)

is a big fan of

WALKING MEDITATION

and he says that when we walk

it’s important to not 

COUNT OUR STEPS

or

COUNT CALORIES BURNED

you just

WALK

to be in touch with

THE EARTH

and to be in touch with

YOUR BREATHING

I walk miles most days

I used to time myself

go as fast as I could

try to burn up calories

I admit that when some of the dogs

got old and 

moved slower

I’d sometimes feel bummed

like their slower pace

was the thing keeping me from

SMALLER LEVI’S

that was so embarrassing

just then

for me to admit

Now I just walk

I let the dogs set the pace

They constantly stop to

check for pee mail

I let them

And I try to just focus

on the walking

on the moment

and not some

hoped for 

end results

Today I

Breathe In

and I

Breathe Out

and I won’t be surprised

if one day

I regrow my ass

to a bigger size

and I’m cool with that

because I’m 

just happy to be here

Thank you

Day Three Hundred Twenty Nine
East Fourth Street, The Hood, ATX
See that 
HATE LETTER
I love it for a number of reasons
One is that 
I used to write rather exquisite
HATE LETTERS
so I can really relate
I can’t even read all the
ANGRY WORDS
she wrote to
whomever broke her heart
but I don’t need all the words
to get her point
I HAVE SO BEEN THERE
I use this note
to reflect back on my own
angry words and deeds
and all the energy I poured into
HATING
some of the men
I dated
My friends would gently try to tell me
about how I contributed to
MY OWN SUFFERING
when it came to bad romances
that left me spitting mad
I COULDN’T HEAR THEM
I loved to blame the losers
for shitting on me so much
and some of them really did
shit on me
in astonishing ways
But you know what?
I get it now
I can finally see how
I put myself in these situations
and then I failed to get out
IN A TIMELY FASHION
I forgive myself for this
I did not then have
the tools I needed
to make better choices
It was my experiences 
with these dudes
that taught me
TOOLMAKING
and one of the tools 
I eventually got was
MEDITATION
which has so very much
CHANGED MY HEART
Yesterday I was talking about
the house I used to live in
that got demolished
and all the good things
that happened there
well some 
not so good things
happened there too
chief among them
was my relationship with a guy
I always refer to as George
because that is his name
He led with his tragedies
I fell for him hard
I wanted to take care of him
I wanted to make it all better
and I got hooked on the sex
and I also got hooked on
THE DRAMA
George loved to 
CHEAT ON ME
he would tell me I was
less evolved
because I requested
MONOGAMY
he would announce he was
flying off to fuck his ex-girlfriend
in Chicago
and then he would come back
and tell me she was
smarter than me
and
smaller than me
and that she had said
mean things about me
George is a classic
NARCISSIST
I know he played that bitch too
He had some fantasy of us
fighting over him
WHAT A DICK
and yet and yet and yet
I stuck with him
and I took him back
and I laid myself down
so he could do the
SHIT WALK
all over me
So whose fault was that?
The night I finally truly
ONCE AND FOR ALL
broke up with him
I was very drunk
I called his house about
NINETY TIMES
(thank you OCD)
Not getting an answer
I swerved my car the six blocks
to his place
where one of his roommates
cracked the door
told me to beat it
then shut the door in my face
I waited
and when George finally emerged
I MADE A SCENE
boy did I
I did the spoken word equivalent
of that hate letter in the picture
I JUMPED UP AND DOWN ON THE LAWN
I was a total madwoman
I FLIPPED OUT
I am not proud of this
I do not look back and say
WASN’T THAT FUNNY
It wasn’t funny
It won’t ever be funny
It was just really really really
SAD
I was so lost in that relationship
I was so crushed by his
CRUELTY
and his
INFIDELITY
that I quit dating 
for seven years
SERIOUSLY
SEVEN
YEARS
alleged height of my sexual peak 
and all that
and yet 
SPIKE THE BOY CRAZY
just quit men
and you know what?
It was one of the best choices
I ever made
sure sure
you can file it under the
DEPARTMENT OF OVER-CORRECTION
but in the long run
that break let me
FOCUS
on my boy
on my writing
on my friends
and my meditation
and so many other things
that set me on the path of
HEALING
all of this initiated by
ANGER’S UGLY CATALYST
I wasn’t done fucking up 
I got back in the game after seven years
and
I made some more
super doozy dude errors
but I’m done with that now
My life is full of 
MEN WHO LOVE & RESPECT ME
and also
WOMEN WHO LOVE & RESPECT ME
and  
I LOVE & RESPECT THEM
and at long fucking last
I LOVE & RESPECT ME
Damn that took a 
LOT
of sitting my ass down and
BREATHING
So when I look at that beautiful
HATE LETTER
I see a young woman
COMMUNICATING CLEARLY
sure maybe she could
learn to tone it down a little
and I’ll bet you one day she will
but good for her
for tapping into
exactly what she was feeling
PIL sings
ANGER IS AN ENERGY
it certainly is
it can propel you forward
to such a beautiful place
EVENTUALLY
believe me
I KNOW
I am currently listening to
Thich Nhat Hanh’s
THE ART OF COMMUNICATING
in which he outlines 
a kinder way than
RAGE
to get in touch with your feelings
and share them with others
It’s called
MEDITATION
and it helps you see and feel
your suffering
get to the root of it
not run away from it
and once you see it
you can take care of it
and love on your suffering
until it subsides
and
you can also learn to say to others
without screaming
I Feel Very Hurt By What You’re Doing
and you can say to yourself
I Need to Stop Doing This Stuff That Hurts Me
As with my ex-husbands
I will never be sending George
a gold-engraved thank you card
for helping me to
learn all this stuff
by shoving me so far down
I had nowhere to go but up
but I must admit
that that relationship 
taught me I would
much rather live a life of
CHASTITY
and
CALM
and
RESPECT
than to 
get it on
with a dude like that
Today I
Breathe in
and I
Breathe Out
and I am grateful
to that 
ANGRY YOUNG WOMAN
the one who wrote
the letter on the wall
and also
the one who
USED TO BE ME
Thank you
NOTE FROM SPIKE
Want to support this blog? 
You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here
Thanks

Day Three Hundred Twenty Nine

East Fourth Street, The Hood, ATX

See that 

HATE LETTER

I love it for a number of reasons

One is that 

I used to write rather exquisite

HATE LETTERS

so I can really relate

I can’t even read all the

ANGRY WORDS

she wrote to

whomever broke her heart

but I don’t need all the words

to get her point

I HAVE SO BEEN THERE

I use this note

to reflect back on my own

angry words and deeds

and all the energy I poured into

HATING

some of the men

I dated

My friends would gently try to tell me

about how I contributed to

MY OWN SUFFERING

when it came to bad romances

that left me spitting mad

I COULDN’T HEAR THEM

I loved to blame the losers

for shitting on me so much

and some of them really did

shit on me

in astonishing ways

But you know what?

I get it now

I can finally see how

I put myself in these situations

and then I failed to get out

IN A TIMELY FASHION

I forgive myself for this

I did not then have

the tools I needed

to make better choices

It was my experiences 

with these dudes

that taught me

TOOLMAKING

and one of the tools 

I eventually got was

MEDITATION

which has so very much

CHANGED MY HEART

Yesterday I was talking about

the house I used to live in

that got demolished

and all the good things

that happened there

well some 

not so good things

happened there too

chief among them

was my relationship with a guy

I always refer to as George

because that is his name

He led with his tragedies

I fell for him hard

I wanted to take care of him

I wanted to make it all better

and I got hooked on the sex

and I also got hooked on

THE DRAMA

George loved to 

CHEAT ON ME

he would tell me I was

less evolved

because I requested

MONOGAMY

he would announce he was

flying off to fuck his ex-girlfriend

in Chicago

and then he would come back

and tell me she was

smarter than me

and

smaller than me

and that she had said

mean things about me

George is a classic

NARCISSIST

I know he played that bitch too

He had some fantasy of us

fighting over him

WHAT A DICK

and yet and yet and yet

I stuck with him

and I took him back

and I laid myself down

so he could do the

SHIT WALK

all over me

So whose fault was that?

The night I finally truly

ONCE AND FOR ALL

broke up with him

I was very drunk

I called his house about

NINETY TIMES

(thank you OCD)

Not getting an answer

I swerved my car the six blocks

to his place

where one of his roommates

cracked the door

told me to beat it

then shut the door in my face

I waited

and when George finally emerged

I MADE A SCENE

boy did I

I did the spoken word equivalent

of that hate letter in the picture

I JUMPED UP AND DOWN ON THE LAWN

I was a total madwoman

I FLIPPED OUT

I am not proud of this

I do not look back and say

WASN’T THAT FUNNY

It wasn’t funny

It won’t ever be funny

It was just really really really

SAD

I was so lost in that relationship

I was so crushed by his

CRUELTY

and his

INFIDELITY

that I quit dating 

for seven years

SERIOUSLY

SEVEN

YEARS

alleged height of my sexual peak 

and all that

and yet 

SPIKE THE BOY CRAZY

just quit men

and you know what?

It was one of the best choices

I ever made

sure sure

you can file it under the

DEPARTMENT OF OVER-CORRECTION

but in the long run

that break let me

FOCUS

on my boy

on my writing

on my friends

and my meditation

and so many other things

that set me on the path of

HEALING

all of this initiated by

ANGER’S UGLY CATALYST

I wasn’t done fucking up 

I got back in the game after seven years

and

I made some more

super doozy dude errors

but I’m done with that now

My life is full of 

MEN WHO LOVE & RESPECT ME

and also

WOMEN WHO LOVE & RESPECT ME

and  

I LOVE & RESPECT THEM

and at long fucking last

I LOVE & RESPECT ME

Damn that took a 

LOT

of sitting my ass down and

BREATHING

So when I look at that beautiful

HATE LETTER

I see a young woman

COMMUNICATING CLEARLY

sure maybe she could

learn to tone it down a little

and I’ll bet you one day she will

but good for her

for tapping into

exactly what she was feeling

PIL sings

ANGER IS AN ENERGY

it certainly is

it can propel you forward

to such a beautiful place

EVENTUALLY

believe me

I KNOW

I am currently listening to

Thich Nhat Hanh’s

THE ART OF COMMUNICATING

in which he outlines 

a kinder way than

RAGE

to get in touch with your feelings

and share them with others

It’s called

MEDITATION

and it helps you see and feel

your suffering

get to the root of it

not run away from it

and once you see it

you can take care of it

and love on your suffering

until it subsides

and

you can also learn to say to others

without screaming

I Feel Very Hurt By What You’re Doing

and you can say to yourself

I Need to Stop Doing This Stuff That Hurts Me

As with my ex-husbands

I will never be sending George

a gold-engraved thank you card

for helping me to

learn all this stuff

by shoving me so far down

I had nowhere to go but up

but I must admit

that that relationship 

taught me I would

much rather live a life of

CHASTITY

and

CALM

and

RESPECT

than to 

get it on

with a dude like that

Today I

Breathe in

and I

Breathe Out

and I am grateful

to that 

ANGRY YOUNG WOMAN

the one who wrote

the letter on the wall

and also

the one who

USED TO BE ME

Thank you

NOTE FROM SPIKE

Want to support this blog?

You can order an awesome Meditation Kicks Ass T-Shirt here

Thanks